Wednesday, January 17, 2007
{ 11:20 pm }
must i say how much of a bitch khairil can be? i'm absolutely loss for words when he acted so insolently in front of my besties just now. i'm dumbfounded and i'm speechless and i was damn close to tears. it has always been difficult and hard for me to speak about this matter because i for one feel ashamed that i can't command the appropriate respect from my own younger brother. however, after a good pep talk by people who cared, i realise that i may need outside help afterall or things will just exacerbates unknowingly. it's time to let my ego wall down and admit to others that i need help, big time. i never had a good relationship with khairil nor with my dad and this relationship between me and my dad was further strained 2 years back when he expressed to khairil his unconditional love for him is greater than his love for me. and to have him saying that right in front of me was hurtful and just devastating. i tried to ignore that statement but it bugged me till now. imagine, having your younger brother beating you up and knowing that it's worthless to tell your parents about his actions 'cos they themselves can't do much and in fact one will even to go to the extent of blaming you. what the hell am i suppose to do? am i just suppose to allow myself to be a punching bag to him and allow him to beat me till i'm half dead or what?
violent nature runs in my family but for khairil case, he preyed on me and i just find it unfair.
i don't know what to say lar....
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
{ 11:48 pm }
i'm updating quite often nowadays. probably cos of my long long long absence from blogging for the past two months. i'd hockey just now. the newly recruited J1s came in. the teachers(mr hamim and mr tan) told us, the seniors, to assist them and correct their mistakes..erm...what mistakes? i ,myself, need to go back to basics so i do not think that i'm in any position to correct them or whatsoever. but i did do whatever i think is necessary. nevertheless, training was fun.almaklumlah, i'd been MIA for a long time.joey and YY kept on asking me to go back for trainings just so that it won't rain. i thought they were sincere in asking me back as they miss me or what...haih...wakakaka...ice-breakers were kinda lame. it was damn messed up but i had a good time laughing at the guys antics.buey tahan liao!
after training, i met up with ifa, eddy, raden an and aim. and guess what?we had a very heavy, serious, intellectual talk. about religion, politics, astronomy and even 'the big bang theory',. i honestly enjoy this kind of talk because it will get you thinking and question life. it's quite useful for me to see the various school of thoughts from different people. i mean, it has only been interesting to hear another person's perspective, right? i am afterall a humans student so all this talk can allow me to use what i've learnt from the classroom and apply it in my conversation.
hmmm....shall have this kind of conversation more often hah?
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
{ 2:20 pm }
i can't believe what i'm doing right now.
go on, guess..guess what i'm doing currently.
i'm downloading songs by destiny child, sugababes and atomic kitten lar sia!!!!
wakakaka
feeling kind of 'pop'ish.thus, that explains the song. sometimes i feel this kind of songs make more sense and is more emphatic.
kental pon kental lar2006 was such a frigging boring year! besides going on to various arts performance and competition and going to the NDP, everything else that happened in 2006 were pretty much a duh. in fact, i think at the end of 2006, i lose some friends, not due to fights or whatever but because i chose to lose them. i'd seen more heartwrenching things happenings. i'd been through disappointments over and over again so much so that i think i'm getting pretty immune to it.
hell, why am i being such a pessimist? thinking positively, those arts aprreciation highlighted my 2006. i won't know if i will ever get the valuable opportunity again to watch the various performances. so to those who'd given me the chance to watch those performances, namely filzah and fifi and sarah, i thank you! ou
i was in denial initially. i mean, i was so stubborn in not admitting that my feelings for him kinda grew. i insisted that i treated him like a friend, a great friend. however, when i finally had the courage to let out my feelings and come true to myself, he dropped the bomb that i'm one great girlfriend to him, just like his other guyfriends. and to feel that disappointment twice last year was kinda unbearable. but i still wanna hold my head up high and pretend that these guys doesn't matter to me.i wanna keep my ego and pride intact. however, honestly i know they did matter to me. how do you explain the tears?the withdrawal of my companionship towards them?and the anger that swelled up in me just cos they doesn't have the same feelings towards me?ultimaltely, i can't blame them. i can only blame myself for having the wrong approach. but i'm not going to knock myself against the wall or slit my wrist or withdraw myself from the rest of the world. in fact, i think i shall embrace and accept reality and stick true to myself. revitalising rejoicing life is the way to be!
Monday, January 08, 2007
{ 8:16 am }
i'm crashing at my cousin's house right now. my aunt and uncle had migrated to bahrain. thus, amin is living by himself now in singapore and luckily enough his house is just 5 minutes away from mine. is it possible for amin to get any thinner? will he vanish into thin air when that happens? yes, this cousin of mine is like so frigging thin and tall. why can't i get his genes instead hah? = and and and, he's like the ultimate party animal. imagine working and saving up just to countdown at thailand. haih.....some people have all the luck.
but to come to think of it again, what's life without rules? what's life without boundaries? i mean, won't it be more thrilling if you have rules to break. parents are equivalent to rules, right? so, by having rules to break, life will be more of a rollercoaster ride. life will be an adventure. i like. and of couse, what's life without having your family to turn to in times of desperation and deprivation.
this girl, i miss walking to school with.
this gir, i miss spending my break time with
this guy, i miss crapping and talking for hours with.
this guy, i miss being shallow with.(i don't have pic of him alone or with me sia...hehhe..paiseh fifi)
it had only been three days since school started and already their absence is so obvious.....
but ultimately at the end of the day, i know that they're what that makes my world goes round
and them...
and them too!
well, not all of them anywah =]
so kudos to friendship bebeh!!!
Saturday, January 06, 2007
{ 3:10 pm }
holidays are over. do not throw me questions like "what did you do for the holidays?", "did you learn anything new about life?", "amcam?ade mat baru?" and "did you finish up your assignments?" you'll just confuse me and agitate me further. however, i must say that this holiday broadened up my mind and made me feel some new raw emotions. there's even this familiar but vague emotion that i felt at one point of time during the holiday. to feel that all over again is totally unpleasant, i'm telling you but i was prepared nevertheless. i tried to handle the situation with as much pride and courage i could muster and tried to move on. i think i was able to do it. that's the result of being ultimately betrayed at one time of your life in the past. it makes you stronger. it makes you smarter. it makes you more suspicous of the people who matters around you. it makes you trust less, unfortunately. but only the fittest survive in this game of life and in order to be the fittest, you need to be tactless and if possible heartless. i too yearned to love and be loved by that special someone. but in order to love first, i guess i need to get rid of the suspicions that i have and to learn to trust more. and they say, "loving is living." life's an irony isn't it? with all different kind of principles and theories swarming around, how do we know which principle and theory complement us as an individual? confusing, yet this is reality.little did i know i am absolutely smitten over you. unconsciously, one year had passed and subconsciously,the feelings grow. indirectly, these eyes scouted over you whenever can. obviously, you're right there all this while. maybe, things aren't going as i plan or hope but truthfully, we all know it's all not about me.
